So on Sunday I had the opportunity to jump in the car with my kiddos and my parents and go up to Plains for Family Camp. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, this is the once-a-summer- time that all of the people from the Churches of God in the state get together for about four days to camp, play, do conferences, have services, etc. It was one of the few times in the last 10 to 15 years that I hadn't been there for the entire event, and so I was partially excited.
Anyway, thoughts of prejudice against the church were on my mind and so I determined to try and not be too focused on things that might otherwise get under my skin like the heavy prayer sighing or that predictable speech about how important it is for us all to chip in on the TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS it takes to put on this camp ( that's right, ten grand). It was fairly ironic that I stepped out of the truck to the sound of "Baby Got Book" which is the christiany version of that rap song "Baby got back" - I just had to shake my head ("Oh baby, I wanna read witcha Cause your Bible's got pictures My minister tried to console me But that Book you got makes M-m-me so holy"). Yes I'm being completely serious.
BUT - it ended up being a really good time, like therapeutically good. I talked with a lot of people from the past who were really excited to see me and the kids, people who have known me since I was a real little girl. In the Church of God I have always been someone important, maybe because I was Frank and Connie's daughter or maybe just because I was part of the church, and Church of God folks love young people (probably because of the young people shortage).
So I started thinking about how important it is to belong to something - a community, or cultural group or extended family or whatever, and how much being a part of that shapes our identity. My family moved away from my grandparents and aunts and uncles when we were little and are not close with them at all, but we've always said that the church was like our extended family. So family camp really brought to light how disconnected I've felt since our (mine and Jese's) break with the church. Like I don't have enywhere to stand. And with all the chaos that we've undergone this past year in our family it was amazing how just being in a place where everyone knows and cares for me made me feel safe and maybe whole.
I guess the question for me would then be, How do we break off from the traditional churches ideas and practices that we may find false and empty, and still maintain a life-giving connection with them? Or possible create our own extended family-like community, which would require some permanence?
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So last night at the bar I had a old Alaskan mountain man tell me the 3 P's; patience, principle and persistence. I wonder if we have done ourselves an injustice by leaving the church? And not only us, but them as well. Obviously God has put this heart in us for a reason. And I'm beginning to doubt that the reason was to runaway from the church. I know that our principles are not welcomed with open arms. And more often then not they are labeled Heretical before we even finish the thought. But does that mean we abandon them. I think that we have shown a lot of principle, but what is that without persistence and patience? We talk about how relationship or the lack thereof is the real poverty. So then why do we impoverish ourselves from those relationships that mean so much to us, or why do we impoverish them?
ReplyDeleteFor me, I don't consider it leaving the church. I believe we are the church. We have continued to study and press on for deeper relationship and more practical applications of ministry/love within our communities. I feel we have maintained relationships well, attending "Active Word Ministries" Sunday services once a month, and mainting weekly attendance with their Tuesday night group. And I suppose my experiences with those in the church have been a bit different than that of my wife's, however, I feel that the relationships that exist with that model are more hollow than solid. You can't deny the average attendees are Sunday to Sunday types and we certainly have responsibilities to play within that realm....its hard for me... I've attended the last two Sundays and for me they have been extremely painful. The level of study put into the sermons both weeks were tremendously shallow and extremely weak in the theological department. And I the playing into emotions stuff: The heavy sighing during prayer, singing the same song over and over until somebody cries, someone constantly getting up and saying some fuzzy feel good words to usher people to the altar, the 3-point speeching... I love the people but hate the system. That's why we wanted to start the community garden, to maintain those relationships - maybe we need to start living out the hospitality we all just learned about? Or apply the 3p's with what we're doing now...?
ReplyDeleteNikki,
ReplyDeleteI can so relate with this as well. My experience with the church (of God, but really any church) is probably very similar to your own. I never really "left" the church in as bold of a way as you, because I simply moved 600 miles away to a big city where that church wasn't. But I am no longer at that church, and the resulting feelings are much the same. I feel muuuuuch more connected, calmed, an intact when I am at a family camp situation than when I am simply in my parent's home church, largely because so many of the people I grew up with (you guys and others) aren't there anymore. I understand that draw though.
Two thoughts: the same things that we love and are drawn to in the church (community, togetherness, foundation) are the same things that can be completely infuriating... because they all have to do with PEOPLE. So there's that. I've gone to every type of church from Christian fundamentalist, to small town redneck where ushers have chew in their pockets, to huge city mega-churches, to cutting edge forward thinking liberal churches, to unitarian churches, to home churches to... you get the idea. And all of these, ALL OF THEM, are every bit as flawed as they are beautiful. The only way to eliminate that is to eliminate the people altogether, and then you are alone. :) My personal solution has been to find a place of community where the flaws that are there do not just completely drive me ape-shit batty. However, the things that would have driven me batty when I was 22 are the complete opposite of what now drives me batty at 30. It's a cunundrum, you see, because as I change (and I hope to ALWAYS keep changing), the chances of my church changing RIGHT along with me are slim. And there's a choice then. And then in a few years there will be another choice. And another. Because no people stay the same, no group of people stay the exact same, no church body stays the exact same, and our interpretations of who God is won't stay the same. I think of it SOMEWHAT as a marriage in that partners change constantly, and it is not always in step with one another. Sometimes it is, but most marriages I know of consist of two people, on seemingly different paths (at least in large measure) but who are choosing to walk alongside each other for the journey. If we divorced each time we felt pulled in another direction, well, I'd be married 4 times already. Not saying our commitment to a church has to mirror our commitment to marriage, but there are similar concepts at play.
Second thought: like Jesse said, it sounds like you guys might really be building your own kind of community there, which is awesome. It's not as big, or as grounded (because it's new, not old), but it is a different set of community, maybe one that your kids will be able to draw from later on. Even with your ideal community though, you will have people break away, differ, deflect and walk on. It will happen. Others will come along and fill in the gaps when that happens.
Third thought (I know I said there were only 2) is that I love that you are able to break away from the bitterness of leaving the church. I admire people who are able to step away from the practices of their youth because it shows courage, thought and a search for deeper truth. But any ol' dingdong can leave something just because they're pissed and annoyed. It happens every day and is a sort of shift I can understand, but I can't really respect. If I had a dollar for every person who became offended and left a church, I'd be super rich. That you are able to value and embrace your old roots, even in the midst of disagreeing, while still searching to move on with grace and compassion says much. It seems healthy and done in earnest.
I loved reading your post.
Nikki- I love your writing. I just typed a post and erased it. For once I think I'll think before I say anything. :)
ReplyDeleteSorry I haven't been able to be committed to the group. I love you guys.
Nik (and everybody);
ReplyDeleteYep. Yep. I have those same feelings of groundedness, confirmation of and consolation in my identity, the family atmosphere, and so on when hanging around these people. I mean, crud, we GREW UP with them. They shaped us in really deep ways. And you know what? Even in around-the-table discussions with them, I am totally fine to disagree with them and continue the love-fest. It's when we get into a "church service" setting that all the adherence to theologically and historicaly questionable practices come out, along with heaps of things being said that I downright disagree with. Then I start going, "Aaagh! There's no place for me here!" It's a very frustrating paradox. Quite often (like 95% of the time), I have to talk myself down from major frustration and anger after attending a service.
So, of course mine is the same big question that everyone is posing: what the heck to do about it. Do I stay engaged but be honest with the things I can't stand? That'd be really trying for both me and them, because if I were to be honest, I'd want to throw out nearly the entire existing system. It would sound like I was complaining about everything. So THAT can't be the answer. Accepting the system as is can't be the answer, because, as Rachel so eloquently put it, I'd go ape-shit batty. Some sort of creative middle-ground interaction seems the best. I think you guys are amazing to be maintaining the Tuesday night thing (which is a small, intimate group where you at least don't have to deal with some of the church service elements).
Okay. I better get back to bed while the kiddo is sleeping. Just woke up and needed a midnight snack. And, evidently, a midnight venting.
Also, I wish to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the prayer room deal. I never went into it, because I thought it was just a room, but toward the end of camp I heard that it had 12 different interactive prayer stations. I thought, "What? At a COG camp meeting? Get out! That's great!"
ReplyDeleteSo, you went in, Nikki. What was it like? Was it helpful/meaningful to you?
SO - Thanks for your responses,guys. This blogging thing is sweet - I love getting feedback on my thoughts and questions.
ReplyDeleteAlex and Jese - you guys seem to be representative of the two opposing angles of my thought; that never say die optimist inside saying "don't leave these people! Don't be a consumer christian, leaving behind a trail of relationships as you jump around searching for whatever you agree with or like at the moment" vs. that realist on the other shoulder saying "you have beat your head against the wall quite enough trying to exist within the church - be free and maintain relationships at a distance!"
Rachel - I'm so glad you commented. I relate so well with you and thank you for the good advice and musings from your place further down this road.
Camille - now I'm anxious to see your post so make sure you get it up here!
Lori- I definitely agree that the good part of camp was found completely within the people and outside of the services. The prayer room was, upon first entering, pretty cool. Several stations (I didn't get to them all), artsy stuff, interaction. Some of it was a bit tacky like the write a blessing on a balloon, blow it up and tack it the wall station. And then there was a mirror station that started out with some "God is more interested on what's inside than your outward appearance" type stuff and ended with a little clause about how as representatives of Christ women out to be clean and attractive as an example to our children... All in all it was a positive thing for me as I was able to journal out my prayers ( something I really enjoy) and then pray with a diverse group of people.
If anyone else has a thought, please feel free to keep commenting...
ReplyDeleteNikki
See what happens when you open up. You should do it more often.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis may be a little long, so please forgive me. It is a quote, that I think seems to relate, from "Community and Growth" by Jean Vanier. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. :)
ReplyDelete"Our universe is filled with so many species of animals, birds, fish, flowers, fruits and plants; each one is the work of God's hands. It is the same with families, tribes, clans and communities of people. Each one is the work of his love. There is no one family that has all the truth. They are all called to live together in harmony, to share their beautiful gifts and to receive the gifts of others; to discover the height and the depth, the width and the breadth of the wisdom, the beauty and the love of our God.
So often, alas, groupings do not work together for the glory of God. They close themselves off one from another, each one certain that they are the chosen people, the beloved of God, the special community that will renew the face of the earth; that they are the best and they alone have the truth. They do not realize that everyone is special; everyone is called to manifest a particle of the glory of God - in communion with others. When they do not work together, groups create apartheid. Walls are built up between them, rivalry and competition set in. This leads to jealousy, which in turn, leads to hatred and warfare. Thus what began so beautifully ends up so horribly. Religious and political groupings (just as clubs and other groups) become filled with the desire 'to win,' to beat others, to prove they are right through powerful means. They become blinded by their own concerns and desire for power (or fear of death); they are unable to see and appreciate the beauty of others.
Communities are truly communities when they are open to others, when they remain vulnerable and humble; when the members are growing in love, in compassion and in humility. Communities cease to be such when members close in upon themselves with the certitude that they alone have wisdom and truth and expect everyone to be like them and learn from them.
The fundamental attitudes of true community, where there is true belonging, are openness, welcome, and listening to God...to each other, and to other communities. Community life is inspired by the universal and is open to the universal. It is based on forgiveness and openness to those who are different, to the poor and the weak. Sects put up walls and barriers out of fear, out of a need to prove themselves and to create a false security. Community is the breaking down of barriers to welcome difference" (p19-20, Community and Growth, Jean Vanier).